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avril 2008

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For the record

I spent most of the day feeling lonely, and angry, and hopeless, particularly in regards to my love life. But then a night out clarified several things for me-- it's amazing how good leaving the apartment is for my state of mind. My conclusions, abeit influenced by three beers and a whiskey shot:

1) I tend to idealize K's relationship with his girlfriend, but Karen never fails to remind me that it's far from perfect.

2) As much as I love the guy, he is absolutely not what I'm looking for in a boyfriend. Certain pieces are there, but not the whole package. It's easy to ignore the bad parts, but luckily the nature of our relationship made that impossible.

3) That being said, the way things ended with us hurt me quite a bit, and has, and has at my worst moments made me question my ability to have any sort of long-term romantic attachment. I.e., if I couldn't make it work with K, who is the first person I've opened up to in literally years, how can I ever make it work? And since opening up was as hurtful as it was rewarding, why would I want to open up again?

I want nothing more than to meet someone, fall for them, and have it work. Not forever, but for some legitimate period of time. My inability to trust is in constant conflict with what I think is a natural inclination towards long-term, serious relationships. It's so hard for me to be open, but I think maybe it has to be a top priority, if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for.

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