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avril 2008

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triptych days

minus 2:

I am on a train, running late as always,with a pie cradled in my lap. I'm remembering the night before, rolling my eyes at myself for being out of my head, thanksgiving eve celebrations with the other j, just the two of us cooking ramen on the stove, with silverware that seemed enormous. The last purely happy moment I can remember with her. I'm thinking about France, the blankness of it, how I have no idea what's in store. I'm nervous, and hopeful, and I have forgotten the stress of the last few months completely.

minus 1:

Coming home is sweet and familiar, the house is bustling with company. I am thinking constantly about sex, and the almost-having of it. Things are different, are beginning, are turning out as they should. I can't stop smiling to myself. I'll whisper the details to jessy as we set the table. I'm nervous, in a different way, and happy, and relieved that things have finally changed.

the now:

I'm anxious, and need distraction in the train station to stop from rehashing certain hurts. A 3 am conversation that I can't rely on, an overwhelming sense of dissapointment and the appearance of several very bad, but not unfamiliar, ideas for how to spend these few days. Knowing that things have changed, out of neccessity and circumstance, but not enough. That I am incapable,it seems, of making that fundamental shift in behavior that so many other friends seem to have achieved. Things are not how I would like them to be, still too similar to the bittersweet flavor of the last four years. I need to evolve, but don't know how.

As stagnant as I may feel, the variations of these three days, spanned two years apart are enough for me to recognize that the world, and my experience of it does not stay as motionless as I believe it to. The world shifts, and I need to learn to recognize my own shifts within it.

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